hot_gimmick3's Xanga

Friday, August 18, 2006

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 13:15:39 GMT

{ Cole is arriving on campus sometime in the afternoon.

I was feeling really horny for a few days earlier this week and was wishing he were here then. But I know that would only make it worse seeing as nothing could really be done about it.

I am attracted to Cole but I'm also attracted to other guys too. When I was with Travis, I was attracted to no one but him. Is that because Travis was my first love? Or is it because I somehow don't find Cole as attractive?

Is it bad that I was thinking maybe I shouldn't have officially started dating Cole yet? If I had my summer free, Travis and I might have hooked up again. And then this semester would be even more exciting because of the many new dating possibillities that would be open to me.

In my head sometimes I think maybe I don't care for Cole as much as I should, but then why do I do little things without even thinking--like washing all my clean sheets just to be sure he'll have a nice bed to crash in when he pulls in from his long drive, or finding tears running down my face when he talked about the recent pain of putting his favorite dog to sleep?

I think the problem is I am only emotionally accessible to a point with him. There is nothing wrong with him. He is sweet, kind, loving, affectionate, emotionally accessible (so unlike Travis), available, and stable. I think I on the other hand, am still recovering from the wounds of my previous relationship.

I have come to the conclusion that while I made the decision to "be over" Travis, my emotions have yet to follow through. After all, when I broke up with him, I still liked him. Cole and I started going out less than a year after that. It's been a year now since Travis and I broke up, but seeing him again brought back a flood of emotions I thought had gone. The fact that he had changed so much for the better in that space of time also brought more thoughts.

I wrestle between chasing a ghost and embracing the living. Finding a balance between what my heart knows to be true and what my mind knows to be true. Cole can somehow sense something is wrong sometimes. I think I may be down because of this whole situation, but I'm not sure. He is always willing to listen and wants to share any problem I might have, but I feel like this one is my burden to bear. I don't want to tell him I might still have feelings for my ex even if I don't neccisarilly want them. I don't want to tell him I'm afraid I loved Travis more, or too much, and because of that can't pursue a deep relationship with him.

"Can't pursue" is not exactly true. I can. I think maybe I have just become turned off. It doesn't make any sense because I've always wanted a deep relationship, and Cole did nothing for me to feel this way towards him. I'm just going to hope this is a phase that goes away and that will be the end. I don't want to at all hurt him or raise questions in his mind. I can't believe we've been together for almost half a year already.

So he is coming today. I'll be happy to see him I think. I know I will definately be glad to be sleeping with him again. I don't know what it is about cuddling with him at night that makes me feel so peaceful. I like waking up in the middle of the night and know that he is there. There is something beautiful about it.

Even though I can't completely breathe him in with every fiber of my being, I still feel like he is worth being in a relationship for. Maybe someday I can love him completely. }

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 00:04:32 GMT

{ I've been thinking a lot about Cole lately. He is the sweetest guy. Am I in love with him? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like he's my best friend who just happens to be very sexually compatible. But then why do I care for him so much? I think I care for him a lot more than I admit.

I guess the question is, is it him I miss and want or is it just male touch? He is very--almost innocent and boy-next-door like but when we are making out there is none of that virginal awkwardness and he turns me on without even getting to third base. Sometimes without even getting to second. So is it him or am I just really horny?

It's so hard because I want to have sex with him but we're both virgins by choice so that's not an option. Third base is not an option either. And my definition includes any form of penetration (oral, manual or otherwise) and/or the achievement of orgasm.

He and I enjoy sleeping together but it's pretty innocent. We just hold each other and fall asleep. Now that school is approaching, we'll be able to do that a lot more often since we won't have family and distance to interfere. Good--but also bad because there's much more temptation to go farther than we already have.

I remember one time we came partcularly close when he came to visit. We were making out on the bed in the basement for a while and I felt him get so hard and wet through his boxers. I was turned on by the fact that he was turned on and wrapped my fingers around his shaft and lightly rubbed his tip with my thumb. I, having never felt a penis before, was almost appaled at how thick it was (how would it ever fit inside me? I can barely get my own finger in). A few seconds later I was surprised by a sudden spread of pre-cum wetness through the fabric and let go. He said he would change if I wanted him to. I agreed since I didn't want to risk the slightest chance of getting pregnant (I know it might seem ridiculous but you never know I guess). He sat on the edge of the bed as I lay there and slipped off his wet boxers. I intended to turn around while he changed, but I realized for a moment that there he was; my young, beautiful virgin completely naked in broad daylight. His dick was completely erect and I glanced at about an inch and a half or so above his thigh. He looked back at me and I quickly looked away--but maybe he was hoping I would look at him. Contrary to being grossed out as I thought I would be, I was about twice as turned on as before and left with an even greater resolve to feel him inside of me.

Fuck. I'm so horny now just thinking about him. I can just imagine feeling his hot thickness fill me up as he yeilds his first orgasm with a girl to me.

For us though, the only way to get that is marriage. }

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 10:00:44 GMT

{ I had this very long and vivid dream last night about applying to camp and getting conditionally accepted. I was all excited until I realized that the director had this huge grudge against me and initially insisted on making vague allusions to "cheating" and "shady relationships". I finally realized he was talking about me and Cole. I was pretty offended since it was like--who did he think he was? He didn't know us and I thought it was ridiculous to let me work on a trial basis due to the fact that he felt my past behavior didn't demonstrate "Christian Standards". (Granted it might be arguable, but I honestly don't feel like I did anything wrong despite the circumstances. Sometimes I feel a little guilty because of the whole Marge thing but I still regret nothing.) The kicker is when he finally sat down with me and told me what the problem he had was; I "stole him unfairly away from Marge" and that I should have known better because I was far more physically attractive than her and there was that unfair advantage. I thought that was utterly ridiculous and told him so--but he was convinced that it was my "sinful womanly looks" that had gotten me into this situation. WHATTHEFUCK.

Then, lo and behold, Marge slinked out of a corner. She was working there too! At MY dream camp! Ok, it's big enough for the both of us... I decided. It turns out she had poured out her whole story to the camp director in a spirit of martyrdom and I was now the big, bad, stupid. Great. The worst part was knowing she probably didn't do it vindictively; she probably innocently got on a rabbit trail about her "trials" endured at school with her weak, whispery voice and ooops....

The worst part was is most of her facts were correct but tinged with emotion so I looked even worse. It was so frustrating....! I was "highly frowned upon" for being with Cole but I really wanted to stay at camp and work. Jeeeeeeze.

I woke up earlier than intended after the dream and wrote a friendly facebook message to Marge to...I don't know. Spite her dream self and make it feel guilty for causing all that troiuble? Hahaha. Well at any rate it's a first step to repairing the casual relationship between us which I guess is important since she is a sister in Christ even if at times she's dull, immature and annoying. *sigh*. }

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 01:27:48 GMT

{ Sigh. What the fuck. So I bought what I thought was this sweet deal off of Ebay; 900+ Digimon Adventure doujinshi scans/images for 10 bucks. It seemed like a great idea because I am a huge, huge Digimon Adventure fan, so for me to get ahold of a bunch of these on a disk seemed like an awesome move.

Wouldn't you know it.

Basically the entire thing was filled with doujinshi porn. I was SO disappointed. I mean, it wasn't even like regular porn. Nearly all of it consisted of Hikari-rape with every scene of her screaming and crying--and can't forget the tentacle-rape--and when I got to one with TAICHI trying to rape her I just stopped trying to find any decent doujinshi. I quickly flipped through some of the slides to try and determine if there was anything worth salvaging but I guess not.

UGHGHGHGHGHHGHGGH!!!!!

I mean, the freaking seller didn't even say a word about porn in the description! In fact, he made it look very much like it was geared towards kids with a really cute and friendly scan example from 01 or something. Like what the fuck! Like I'm supposed to know that it's pretty much all porn? I mean come on! I'm not completely naiive--I was expecting a good amount of yaoi/shounen-ai and maybe some slightly pornographic content just because it's original doujinshi--but I expected the overwhelming majority to be PG-13 at least. I MEAN FREAKING TELL PEOPLE IF THERE'S TENTACLE RAPE INVOLVED HOLY NACHOS!

What the fuck. I am so fucking pissed. I was really looking forward to getting some good scans.}

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 23:51:01 GMT

{ I just found out that my roommate/rook sister is coming back to the school next year. No, she didn't tell me; I just found out from one of our rook buddies. I'm surprised and a little annoyed, to tell the truth. I suppose I would react differently had we not been roommates, but we were the entire second semester and very incompatible. We were almost always polite to each other, but she was always deeply involved with drama with her stupid boyfriend, prone to mood swings, easily irritated, and overly embellishes situations to make them seem a bit more drastic than they actually are. Not a day went by that she didn't complain about how much she hated the school and couldn't wait to get away. I remember her continual application process to wherever she wanted to go, and just hating every minute of life on campus. I was relieved when she left several days before me, because it gets draining being with such negativity all the time. She gave away almost all of her uniforms and basically walked out without saying goodbye to most of us. I was surprised when she insisted on keeping her covers and blues--what would she do with them at a civillian school?

I wonder if she knew she was coming back even at the very end. Maybe she just didn't want to look foolish or something. I don't know. I was sort of excited to be one of only two rook sisters left with me and Angles, who is my absolute favorite. This year is getting awkward already. }

Monday, July 24, 2006

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 07:22:43 GMT

Much, much has happened. Here is what the next entry should have been;

[April 09, 2006]

{ I am afraid I have become the Other Woman. Physically maybe, emotionally for sure. And people are talking. Boy are they talking. I've become too careless perhaps... but I've determined to do this my way.

Since recognition Cole and I have grown naturally closer. We always had of course, a more intimate relationship by nature than that between he and his current girlfriend Marge, due in part to the plain fact that I am his freshman and live with him, and her utter frigidness. But now rook buddies, even other cadre members, are whispering behind my back, quieting conversations when I'm near, speculating that I am the cause for their dischord when really I have little to do with it.

Last night though, I slept with him. We didn't have sex, didn't kiss, our clothes stayed on, and touching wasn't much more than how I would touch any of you guys.

"You know, people are going to talk shit about this," he whispered in my ear. I could smell the faint Skyy on his breath.

"I know," I said simply.

He pulled me in close and put his lips to my forehead.

Sometimes I would wake in the middle of the night and prop myself up on an elbow to look at him sleeping. I ran my hands through his hair and traced patterns on his cheek with my fingertips and along his neck, at which point a faint smile came to his lips and he opened his eyes to watch me. I pondered what exactly it was I felt at that moment.

Certainly I was not in love with him the way I was with Travis. I have an affection for him though... how or in what way I can't say. I wondered vaugely what would become of us in the morning... how this was all going to work out. I hoped my nosy female Staff Sargeant wouldn't run into me leaving his room. He held my hand and we drifted off to sleep again.

My eyes opened as the room began to lighten again around 0800. I felt hot and sweaty and in need of a shower. He felt me wake up and cuddled me for a few minutes before I snuck out of his room with an extracted promise that I'd return, and spent some time clearing my head in the latrine.

I tried not to think about anything. It's nobody's damn business what I do and I'm not doing anything I regret. I felt numb knowing people would talk--but then, this is what I chose, isn't it?

"You smell good," he said as I crawled back in bed with him a while later, thankful that the deck was clear of anyone up and about. Watching me, I think he sensed the silent strains of my discontent as he put his arms around me and I chose not to look at him.

"Can I call you--Felicity?" he asked. I smiled, amused. How strange life is. Only a few weeks ago he was cadre, and now here I am sharing his bed and he is asking for my permission to call me by my first name.

"I don't know," I said. "That name belongs in a different world almost... it doesn't fit here. I wouldn't let Len call me by it.... but I don't really mind I guess..."

"I see... well I'll call you that only--when it's just the two of us." he decided. I froze. The two of us? Who ever said there was going to be a two of us--Jesus don't jump the gun--you haven't even broken up with Marge yet.

Silence lulled for a few moments as he looked at me.

"Harding--" he started, "--do you like me?"

"What do you mean by that?" I asked evasively.

"I don't know... I was just wondering I guess...because I like you very much."

I looked at him long and hard, carefully choosing my words. "Yes, of course I like you," I said lightly with a smile as I rubbed his arm. I think it did not satisfy him completely, but he let the matter rest for the time being. "When did you start?" I asked. I had to know. He was very quiet for a long time before he finally answered.

"As corny as this sounds--I had a crush on you first semester," he admitted. I laughed.

"That's alright," I said. "I had a crush on you too, then. I had to make myself stop though..."

"Why?" he asked. "Was it because of rookdom--or other things?"

"Other things."

"Like...?"

"Well... you have a girlfriend." I said simply. He held me close and didn't say anything for a very long time. I wondered what he was thinking.

"The only reason why I'm still with her is because... she promised she would try to change some things... and I felt it was only fair to give her a chance..."

I didn't really say anything. This was all stuff we had gone over before. It didn't make it any different or easier to restate it in this setting. Whatever. He doesn't want to hurt her outright, but I know it's only worse this way. That's his problem to figure out though--I'm not interested in making things worse than I have potentially already made them.

The clock was near 1000 so I left to go change for church (oh the irony), running into several of my rookbuddies who had happened to congregate by his door on their way to mess as I left. Fuck. Rumors would spread like wildfire before I got back. Another problem to deal with at another time.

Right now I'm just trying to detatch myself from all emotion regarding this and him until things calm down or something gets figured out. I need to figure out my next move and somehow come out of this with reputation and relationships intact. I feel a sense of de ja vu. I so called this last semester. The challenge I set out for myself--completed. I think this means something signifigant, but what I'm not sure.

Why has life gotten so complicated?

Edit: I just found out he broke up with her tonight. Marge started throwing up all over the place and all over Elyse's stuff after he did it. He was the one with her and cleaning up her puke. He hasn't told me himself that he has broken up with her though--I found out through Elyse. Cole apologized to me for any damage my reputation might take as a result of this and said he's putting the blame on himself for me being in this situation. He might be hit with a minimum of 7 days CMC and tours if 1SG finds out about us. I feel... I don't even know what.}

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 02:15:35 GMT

{ I love Disney movies. I think because each one is like looking into a different world. And that gives you a kind of hope that you can one day rejoin them, you know? And that there is something greater out there to search for. Discovering new worlds and people. I don't know. I just love disney movies (and Miyazaki ones for that matter). }

Monday, March 27, 2006

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 01:22:48 GMT

{ What is a kiss?

Many people link it with sexuality, but I argue that a sincere kiss is not in itself sexual, but rather a physical expression of a deep intimacy believed to be felt. Intimacy and sexuality often go hand in hand, which is why many people associate the two.

So if a kiss doesn't neccesarilly equal a sort of sexual desire or attitude, would it be ok to kiss, say, your cousin?

Maybe.

I didn't see the movie Y Tu Mama Tambien, but I read about this part where the two best friends are having a threesome with a woman, and there's a moment where the two connect and begin to kiss. The reviewer said it was interesting because that moment was the first real instance of the two of them understanding genuine intimacy. Two straight guys. So I mean, what does that mean?

I think two straight people could kiss and it be non-homosexual. It takes a stretch for me to say that, but if you get down to the heart of it, I suppose it's the truth. There are kisses that are devoid of any lust and only mean what they mean. It's hard to think about in that way I suppose. I think those are rare though, and for the most part once in a lifetime happenings.

I think in the end, if you genuinely meant it, you shouldn't ever regret it. }

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 16:49:07 GMT

{ So this random kid sent me this totally random letter in the mail today. I have no idea who he is, but apparently he read one of my (many) online journals and really liked what I wrote and stuff. I had my address up for a while so friends and family could send me stuff, but man.... never expected a letter from someone I didn't know! It's cool though I guess. Hmm... }

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 17:58:30 GMT

{ When I was a little girl I remember being earnestly in love with many not-real characters. Especially the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Ernie and the Count from Sesame Street. I guess it doesn't sound that strange until I mention that once I tried to have sex with my sister's stuffed Ernie doll when I was about 4, not knowing what sex was exactly. I don't know how or from where I got the idea, but I believe I understood the essence without knowing the mechanics.

Well now that I've revealed myself to be a total freak... }