{ Cole is arriving on campus sometime in the afternoon.

I was feeling really horny for a few days earlier this week and was wishing he were here then. But I know that would only make it worse seeing as nothing could really be done about it.

I am attracted to Cole but I'm also attracted to other guys too. When I was with Travis, I was attracted to no one but him. Is that because Travis was my first love? Or is it because I somehow don't find Cole as attractive?

Is it bad that I was thinking maybe I shouldn't have officially started dating Cole yet? If I had my summer free, Travis and I might have hooked up again. And then this semester would be even more exciting because of the many new dating possibillities that would be open to me.

In my head sometimes I think maybe I don't care for Cole as much as I should, but then why do I do little things without even thinking--like washing all my clean sheets just to be sure he'll have a nice bed to crash in when he pulls in from his long drive, or finding tears running down my face when he talked about the recent pain of putting his favorite dog to sleep?

I think the problem is I am only emotionally accessible to a point with him. There is nothing wrong with him. He is sweet, kind, loving, affectionate, emotionally accessible (so unlike Travis), available, and stable. I think I on the other hand, am still recovering from the wounds of my previous relationship.

I have come to the conclusion that while I made the decision to "be over" Travis, my emotions have yet to follow through. After all, when I broke up with him, I still liked him. Cole and I started going out less than a year after that. It's been a year now since Travis and I broke up, but seeing him again brought back a flood of emotions I thought had gone. The fact that he had changed so much for the better in that space of time also brought more thoughts.

I wrestle between chasing a ghost and embracing the living. Finding a balance between what my heart knows to be true and what my mind knows to be true. Cole can somehow sense something is wrong sometimes. I think I may be down because of this whole situation, but I'm not sure. He is always willing to listen and wants to share any problem I might have, but I feel like this one is my burden to bear. I don't want to tell him I might still have feelings for my ex even if I don't neccisarilly want them. I don't want to tell him I'm afraid I loved Travis more, or too much, and because of that can't pursue a deep relationship with him.

"Can't pursue" is not exactly true. I can. I think maybe I have just become turned off. It doesn't make any sense because I've always wanted a deep relationship, and Cole did nothing for me to feel this way towards him. I'm just going to hope this is a phase that goes away and that will be the end. I don't want to at all hurt him or raise questions in his mind. I can't believe we've been together for almost half a year already.

So he is coming today. I'll be happy to see him I think. I know I will definately be glad to be sleeping with him again. I don't know what it is about cuddling with him at night that makes me feel so peaceful. I like waking up in the middle of the night and know that he is there. There is something beautiful about it.

Even though I can't completely breathe him in with every fiber of my being, I still feel like he is worth being in a relationship for. Maybe someday I can love him completely. }