{ Cole is arriving on campus sometime in the afternoon.

I was feeling really horny for a few days earlier this week and was wishing he were here then. But I know that would only make it worse seeing as nothing could really be done about it.

I am attracted to Cole but I'm also attracted to other guys too. When I was with Travis, I was attracted to no one but him. Is that because Travis was my first love? Or is it because I somehow don't find Cole as attractive?

Is it bad that I was thinking maybe I shouldn't have officially started dating Cole yet? If I had my summer free, Travis and I might have hooked up again. And then this semester would be even more exciting because of the many new dating possibillities that would be open to me.

In my head sometimes I think maybe I don't care for Cole as much as I should, but then why do I do little things without even thinking--like washing all my clean sheets just to be sure he'll have a nice bed to crash in when he pulls in from his long drive, or finding tears running down my face when he talked about the recent pain of putting his favorite dog to sleep?

I think the problem is I am only emotionally accessible to a point with him. There is nothing wrong with him. He is sweet, kind, loving, affectionate, emotionally accessible (so unlike Travis), available, and stable. I think I on the other hand, am still recovering from the wounds of my previous relationship.

I have come to the conclusion that while I made the decision to "be over" Travis, my emotions have yet to follow through. After all, when I broke up with him, I still liked him. Cole and I started going out less than a year after that. It's been a year now since Travis and I broke up, but seeing him again brought back a flood of emotions I thought had gone. The fact that he had changed so much for the better in that space of time also brought more thoughts.

I wrestle between chasing a ghost and embracing the living. Finding a balance between what my heart knows to be true and what my mind knows to be true. Cole can somehow sense something is wrong sometimes. I think I may be down because of this whole situation, but I'm not sure. He is always willing to listen and wants to share any problem I might have, but I feel like this one is my burden to bear. I don't want to tell him I might still have feelings for my ex even if I don't neccisarilly want them. I don't want to tell him I'm afraid I loved Travis more, or too much, and because of that can't pursue a deep relationship with him.

"Can't pursue" is not exactly true. I can. I think maybe I have just become turned off. It doesn't make any sense because I've always wanted a deep relationship, and Cole did nothing for me to feel this way towards him. I'm just going to hope this is a phase that goes away and that will be the end. I don't want to at all hurt him or raise questions in his mind. I can't believe we've been together for almost half a year already.

So he is coming today. I'll be happy to see him I think. I know I will definately be glad to be sleeping with him again. I don't know what it is about cuddling with him at night that makes me feel so peaceful. I like waking up in the middle of the night and know that he is there. There is something beautiful about it.

Even though I can't completely breathe him in with every fiber of my being, I still feel like he is worth being in a relationship for. Maybe someday I can love him completely. }

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{ I had this very long and vivid dream last night about applying to camp and getting conditionally accepted. I was all excited until I realized that the director had this huge grudge against me and initially insisted on making vague allusions to "cheating" and "shady relationships". I finally realized he was talking about me and Cole. I was pretty offended since it was like--who did he think he was? He didn't know us and I thought it was ridiculous to let me work on a trial basis due to the fact that he felt my past behavior didn't demonstrate "Christian Standards". (Granted it might be arguable, but I honestly don't feel like I did anything wrong despite the circumstances. Sometimes I feel a little guilty because of the whole Marge thing but I still regret nothing.) The kicker is when he finally sat down with me and told me what the problem he had was; I "stole him unfairly away from Marge" and that I should have known better because I was far more physically attractive than her and there was that unfair advantage. I thought that was utterly ridiculous and told him so--but he was convinced that it was my "sinful womanly looks" that had gotten me into this situation. WHATTHEFUCK.

Then, lo and behold, Marge slinked out of  a corner. She was working there too! At MY dream camp! Ok, it's big enough for the both of us... I decided. It turns out she had poured out her whole story to the camp director in a spirit of martyrdom and I was now the big, bad, stupid. Great. The worst part was knowing she probably didn't do it vindictively; she probably innocently got on a rabbit trail about her "trials" endured at school with her weak, whispery voice and ooops....

The worst part was is most of her facts were correct but tinged with emotion so I looked even worse. It was so frustrating....! I was "highly frowned upon" for being with Cole but I really wanted to stay at camp and work. Jeeeeeeze.

I woke up earlier than intended after the dream and wrote a friendly facebook message to Marge to...I don't know. Spite her dream self and make it feel guilty for causing all that troiuble? Hahaha. Well at any rate it's a first step to repairing the casual relationship between us which I guess is important since she is a sister in Christ even if at times she's dull, immature and annoying. *sigh*. }  

{ Sigh. What the fuck. So I bought what I thought was this sweet deal off of Ebay; 900+ Digimon Adventure doujinshi scans/images for 10 bucks. It seemed like a great idea because I am a huge, huge Digimon Adventure fan, so for me to get ahold of a bunch of these on a disk seemed like an awesome move.

Wouldn't you know it.

Basically the entire thing was filled with doujinshi porn. I was SO disappointed. I mean, it wasn't even like regular porn. Nearly all of it consisted of Hikari-rape with every scene of her screaming and crying--and can't forget the tentacle-rape--and when I got to one with TAICHI trying to rape her I just stopped trying to find any decent doujinshi. I quickly flipped through some of the slides to try and determine if there was anything worth salvaging but I guess not.

UGHGHGHGHGHHGHGGH!!!!!

I mean, the freaking seller didn't even say a word about porn in the description! In fact, he made it look very much like it was geared towards kids with a really cute and friendly scan example from 01 or something. Like what the fuck! Like I'm supposed to know that it's pretty much all porn? I mean come on! I'm not completely naiive--I was expecting a good amount of yaoi/shounen-ai and maybe some slightly pornographic content just because it's original doujinshi--but I expected the overwhelming majority to be PG-13 at least. I MEAN FREAKING TELL PEOPLE IF THERE'S TENTACLE RAPE INVOLVED HOLY NACHOS!

What the fuck. I am so fucking pissed. I was really looking forward to getting some good scans.}

{ I just found out that my roommate/rook sister is coming back to the school next year. No, she didn't tell me; I just found out from one of our rook buddies. I'm surprised and a little annoyed, to tell the truth. I suppose I would react differently had we not been roommates, but we were the entire second semester and very incompatible. We were almost always polite to each other, but she was always deeply involved with drama with her stupid boyfriend, prone to mood swings, easily irritated, and overly embellishes situations to make them seem a bit more drastic than they actually are. Not a day went by that she didn't complain about how much she hated the school and couldn't wait to get away. I remember her continual application process to wherever she wanted to go, and just hating every minute of life on campus. I was relieved when she left several days before me, because it gets draining being with such negativity all the time. She gave away almost all of her uniforms and basically walked out without saying goodbye to most of us. I was surprised when she insisted on keeping her covers and blues--what would she do with them at a civillian school?

I wonder if she knew she was coming back even at the very end. Maybe she just didn't want to look foolish or something. I don't know. I was sort of excited to be one of only  two rook sisters left with me and Angles, who is my absolute favorite. This year is getting awkward already. }